Changing Gears

One of my good friends posted about what I think must be one of the most common problems of the human condition: Why do I do what I do when I know what I know? I was discussing this with my therapist the other day. In my case, I’ve found the moment I get interested in a guy, I start acting exactly like I did when I was married. My opinion disappears. My needs disappear. I turn into a giving, conforming machine, available at the drop of a hat, and impossible to disappoint. Decent guys hate that. I hate it. I know better. Another good friend exclaimed one day, “Do you have an opinion about anything?” He knows I do. But like I say, the moment I start thinking about a guy as a potential sweetheart, some subconscious part of me takes over and starts acting like an idiot.

So I talked to Chris, and while I can’t quote the guy exactly, he pointed out that it’s not really all that shocking that I’d automatically do what worked (and in fact was necessary) for ten years of my life. It’s comfortable, even if it’s wrong. “But it’s time to change gears now.”

“Okay, but where’s my clutch?”

He pointed out that if it was as easy as pushing in the clutch at the right time, none of us would have these kinds of problems with knowing one thing and doing another. Said that shifting gears is going to be inherently uncomfortable, sometimes painful enough that it might feel wrong. With me in the dating scene, I have to learn to be real, even if that means some heartbreak here and there. But being the way I was leads to more heartbreak, that much I know. I don’t want what I had, so I can’t keep doing what I’ve done. I have to push through that discomfort and keep going.

Which I suppose means I’m going to have to get up the nerve to start dating again one of these days. I think I’m going to give myself more time. Maybe start dating again on my birthday in August, or maybe when my divorceiversary rolls around in June. Or maybe in late March when it’ll have been two years since I got out of that situation. All I know is I’ve got to be a lot stronger than I am, but I don’t know how to do that without exercising now. Hmm.

2 thoughts on “Changing Gears

  1. Recognition is the first step in solving any problem. The second step is admitting that you have the problem and that the problem is yours to deal with.

    As you begin to make any changes in your life, it will be uncomfortable. However, discomfort is neither good nor bad, it is just an indicator that you are leaving your comfort zone.

    When I leave my comfort zone, it am often also bombarded with negative thoughts (temptations) that suggest that I am not worthy, not good enough, not capable, etc. etc. Those thoughts can also serve as an indicator that I am on my way to a better place. As I learn to recognize those temptations and reject them as such, they leave me and I find new peace despite the discomfort of change. In fact the more I leave my comfort zone, the more comfortable I become with the feelings of change. They can be quite exhilarating.

    One important thing I have found the keeps me in the realm of positive thinking is to surround myself with positive influences and messages. Read good books, listen to good music, listen to uplifting and motivating podcasts.

    Two great podcasts that help uplift me are:

    1) Live on Purpose Radio – http://liveonpurposeradio.com/
    2) General Conference – http://feeds.lds.org/audio-general-conference-by-speaker-eng

    You can do it Velda. I know you can.

    Like

  2. Recognition is the first step in solving any problem. The second step is admitting that you have the problem and that the problem is yours to deal with.

    As you begin to make any changes in your life, it will be uncomfortable. However, discomfort is neither good nor bad, it is just an indicator that you are leaving your comfort zone.

    When I leave my comfort zone, it am often also bombarded with negative thoughts (temptations) that suggest that I am not worthy, not good enough, not capable, etc. etc. Those thoughts can also serve as an indicator that I am on my way to a better place. As I learn to recognize those temptations and reject them as such, they leave me and I find new peace despite the discomfort of change. In fact the more I leave my comfort zone, the more comfortable I become with the feelings of change. They can be quite exhilarating.

    One important thing I have found the keeps me in the realm of positive thinking is to surround myself with positive influences and messages. Read good books, listen to good music, listen to uplifting and motivating podcasts.

    Two great podcasts that help uplift me are:

    1) Live on Purpose Radio – http://liveonpurposeradio.com/
    2) General Conference – http://feeds.lds.org/audio-general-conference-by-speaker-eng

    You can do it Velda. I know you can.

    Like

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