Getting better

I totally cursed myself by posting about how well the pebble thing is going. Suffice it to say, I spent the rest of the evening helping the two youngest clean up their intentional ( ?! ) vomit and pee messes. Seriously. Yes, I mean “intentional” as in they decided to do what they did. I’m pretty sure this is why I’m stressed to the point of ulcers.

The worst part? Things had been getting so much better. I was just starting to believe I could handle this whole stepmom thing. Last night I was furious, but this morning I was just feeling straight up lost as to what to do next.

Then my 12 year old reminded me of something he’d read. On my blog, no less.

“Remember what you said? Just because it snowed again doesn’t mean it’s going to be winter forever. Things are getting better, mom. You can do this.”

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Just what I needed to hear. ❤

5 thoughts on “Getting better

  1. I will save you the 2¢, but I will say hang in there! Things will get better with time and patience.

    In the mean time, always take a few moments for your self to breath enjoy the flowers. Flower scented air is nasty for ulcers, or so I hear. 🙂

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  2. Miss Velda, what you have neglected to share, with your adoring public, is the “why”.

    With essentially, two months, of life experiences, since the merger/unification/fusion/melding of your two families, under your belt, I feel, your in depth assessment, as to the “why” would be incredibly relevant, since you are living, in serious technicolor, what, other fellow human beings, are facing.

    Why, did your children, (from this moment forward, I will always refer to any and all children, that, you, agreed to/consented to/ was willing to, bring into your life and your home as “your children”) unless, you, start printing a disclaimer. 🙂

    Sooooo, back to the “Why”………. the most empowering word in a parents life, as to the concept/perception/comprehension, as to the motivating factor, the agenda of any child/teenager………You know the “why” and 90% of the battle, has been won………….Soooooooo, why, did your two younger children, “intentionally” decide to create that mess………… by, you, stating, “intentionally”, with a bit of a tone, that could be interpreted/perceived as if, a bit of collusion, was involved and perhaps a touch of malice……………..is that a fair assessment, of what you are expressing????

    I ask, in the manner I do, because of the blatantly obvious, shift/change, in the dynamics, within your home, bringing about change, in such a drastic manner, by the merger/unification of two families and all the different, dynamics/personalities/needs, especially, for the children.

    Having you share, what you felt–thought, (two entirely different processes, one emotional and the other, intellectual) I believe will be incredibly helpful, to all within your circle of influence, as well as, your sweetheart’s involvement, in the matter.

    What was your huband’s involvement………….what was his, input, to the children, to you…..for you.

    Or, is this blog, essentially all about you and if it is, just from your perspective, your feelings–thoughts, in depth, would be valued, as to your, determination/assessment, concerning the “why”.

    And exactly how, is the unification/melding, process…… progressing???

    Please allow me, to offer, you and all within your circle of influence, the following, from, the tenderness of a sincere heart, that, has been forged, by the refiners fire, by way, of “raising” by myself, 24-7, an incredible, special needs, little girl, Savannah, diagnosed with 6 developmental syndromes……………A child, will not feel safe/secure, until, they “feel loved”…”feel”, “feel”, “feel”…………especially children, that, have been abandoned/abused……………Younger children, more times than not, are much easier, to reach, by sincere offerings of love/steeped in the balm of Gilead……….they want to trust, they need to trust…………teenagers, that wound, is deeper, those children of God, will require much more.

    The a fore mentioned, is not a cereal box/cookie fortune clique………………It is a life style. It is a thought process………a thought process, that supersedes, everything else. This 24-7 emotional commitment, must consume, the adults, that, have made the decision, to join two different/separate families together.

    Ask any family, that, has succumb/fallen/wilted/yielded/been crushed, because of the unrelenting pressure, of “raising/parenting” two families. The rate of failure is 74% of all of the families, where one or both adults/parents, bring into the second marriage, children, from a previous marriage.

    I heard it once said/asked………….if all of us, were boarding a flight and the captain, picked up the hand set, welcoming all aboard, providing a quick weather report, relevant, to the weather in-front of the flight and then said, the following, there is a 74% chance of crashing, (regardless of the sincere intent, by all those involved) How many of us, would board the flight.?????

    Wait………..what????

    What is my point………….my agenda????

    Do you have the proper tools with in your personal resume, are you, doing all you are able/capable……….more important, “willing” to do, to ensure, any and all problems that arise, (not can or can’t) but will or won’t be repaired.

    Have you, as adults/parents……..(everyone, not just Miss Velda and Sir Husband), even me…….especially me, summoning the resolve/honor/integrity within us all, to make the necessary changes, to ensure success, there is two plus sides, to every story.

    The communication, between the adults/parents is paramount……to the point, that, your children, feelllllllllllllllllllllllll, you are bugging them. Asking them, sincerely asking/inquiring to know, what they are thinking–feeling, is paramount….vital.

    As the new adult/parent/spouse……….hopefully friend, (one of the most sacred words in our language………..friend), hopefully a confidant, needing to understand not judging, confidant……….you are constantly reaching out, in the simplest of settings, to inquire how they are feeling, what they are feeling, what they are thinking and then, insuring, you, help them, “understand” you sincerely want to know, what they are really thinking……….feeling……….even if it is negative or painful. We as the adults/parents…….hopefully friends/confidants, must create an atmosphere and environment, where, the children must “feelllllll” and trust, that, they have a vote, a voice and you want to hear it.

    The greatest payday, known to any parent, that, sincerely gives a ratsbutt, concerning how, their children think and feel, what their children think and feel and are sincerely willing to listen, not just hear them, is the day, when, they walk into a room and say, Hey dad, hey mom, I was thinking, what if….how about this……why not this…..is this a possibility…. …………….which means they are emotionally available, which means/equates, your children, feel valued, important, loved and most important of all……… safe.

    We as the adults/parents/spouses…………..hopefully best of friends, accomplish this and you will have successfully, established a pillar, of such astronomical strength, empowering your child….children, to build, their very lives, their very psyche, their very source of self worth and self esteem on to……….on to you as a couple and what will you have accomplished, help them understand, how to ensure, their unborn children, will not succumb to, becoming part of the dreaded 50% club………………..hence, you have taught them, by sterling example, how to succeed, versus how to fail…………….even within the worst of marriages, the message of how to fail, has been taught.

    Sooooooooooo, your mission, your quest, your crusade, must be, each and everyday, must be………………Are we doing all in our power, using all of our resources, to teach, by sterling example, how to succeed, in a marriage and building a sold family, by using as the first line of defense, our sincere communication with one another, ensuring your children, know and understand, they have a vote, a voice.

    No child or teenager, will accept, any form of discipline, until, they know and more importantly “understand” you love them, care for them, care enough about them, to say no………………………..saying yes, is so easy, requires, no integrity, no honor, no vested interest…………..just say yes and be a hero………….versus saying no, with love, steeped deeply,within a vested interest, in their future and safety……for their very soul…………….a child/teenager, that, feels……….feels………..feels, that they are valued, cared for, respected, as a human being, that, Father, placed within/under your stewardship, will respect and handle any and all discipline, so much easier………………..because, you, will have been applying the balm of Gilead, encased within your love.

    Also, one of the hard and fast rules, that is set, in the rock of Gibraltar type of foundation……………….No one and I mean no one, is allowed to say “I don’t know”……….any human, in any scenario, that, chooses, to fall upon, that, lame, weak, reply, to a pertinent question and replies, “I don’t know” especially, when an adult/parent asks of the child/teenager, as to why, they did, what they did, or said what they said……………….all they are doing is “deflecting” don’t accept those three words, under any circumstance……………get to the bottom, of “why”…………even if, their reply, is, “because I felt like it”……..then, simply and calmly, follow that up, by, “why did you feel that way”………….I promise, understanding the why, is the only way, a child/teenager, is going to feel loved and safe, as they, come to understand, they will not be shunned/forsaken……..again…………..but, you are willing to stand with them and work through it………………with them……..on their side.

    Hopefully the adults/spouses/parents, are sweethearts………….being man and wife on paper, is the very least you will be………….being sweethearts, true partners, the very best of friends, is the only equation to bring about success.

    If any adult/spouse, witnesses, his or her partner/sweetheart/lover/best friend, pour into their child/children/teenagers, with sincere offerings of love, steeped in the balm of Gilead………….that, spouse/parent/lover/sweetheart and hopefully best friend, they will become, so endeared/so enmeshed to you and your children.

    And if you are a screamer/shouter/holler-er/ Please, stop, go out side, get in your vehicle, turn up the music loud and scream. But, for the sake of your children, the damage you are doing, to their very psyche, their self worth, their self esteem, as well as, eroding the very confidence, placed into you, by your best friend………….because they, brought you into the home……………make no mistake, screamers, have every bit, the ability to cause deep wounds, as someone that chooses to strike a child/teenager…………….and if any parent, that, is working with a spouse, hears the following………………..well at least, I don’t hit them……….pack their bags…………………..

    Here is a universal experiment, that, has been practiced for decades, in the study of human behavior and human sociology, concerning the developmental structure of children. They will bring in dozens of children……….from the age of 4-9 and place them, in a lunch room environment, allowing the children, to proceed forward with a basic lunch, that requires the children, to use plastic knives, forks and spoons, as well as, open a small milk carton and facing the option of using a straw. All the while, having both women and men, walking amongst them, posturing in a position of authority….teacher/parent. Then those behind glass mirrors, were there to watch and report, the following………….which child, according to age, possessed the ability, to use the plastic utensils, versus, choosing to use their fingers, regardless of the meal and who, possessed the development/experience to open their small milk carton and who chose to use the straw.

    The adults present, were instructed to do the following, first, create/wear a pleasant smile/look on their face……….have a pleasing countenance. Second, they were instructed to speak in a gentle and supportive tone……….not over bearing, kind/gentle, offering help, where it was obvious necessary and in some cases, suggesting to the child in question struggling, with the plastic utensils, feel free to just use your fingers………………..what happened…………..the atmosphere in the room was one of nurturing, care, no threat, which meant and this is most important, poignant of all……………..when an accident occurred, there was no scolding, no demeaning, nothing but kind, gentle support was offered, by way of assistance.

    What was the (“second most important result”) of that specific study group/focus group……the other children, felt at ease, to raise their hands, or just look for a “kind”….”friendly”…..”gentle and supportive” adult, to ask for help…………..(“the most important result-lesson learned”) was the following……..the children with in the group, that, experienced an accident, especially with the milk carton, which resulted in that child, looking around with such concern and in some cases, “terror”, as if they were expecting a level of response, that, they had become accustomed to, which meant…….equated to……………..with further investigation, abuse. Where as other children in that same group, would just, in a passive, matter off fact manner, raise their hand, or call the attention of the attending adult, to inform them of the accident and their help was needed.

    Next, a new study/focus group, was brought in all the same circumstances, were the same, except for the following and the difference was immediately felt by all the children. The attending adults, circulating in and around the children, were, asked to change their look/countenance and create a passive, scowl, not threatening, but, not pleasant…………..and their tone, was not to be pleasant……………….is there anyone within the sound of my voice, that, needs to ask, the documented results……the children, were less to ask for help, especially, after the adults, started to reprimand, in a negative fashion, as to the lack of skill/developmental progress, with the children, that, did not possess the skill/experience of using the plastic utensils and for the children, that, struggled with and spilled their milk……melt down after melt down after melt down, took place………..the children, felt/experienced terror, to the point, that, these children, were whisked out into the arms, of their mothers, who, upon further, discussion, would break down and explain, the painful environment, their children, were being subjected to at home…..Abuse.

    Then the first group was brought back in on a separate day, to be subjected to the same, kind, gentle, supportive environment…………….except for one distinctive and extraordinary, change……….each child was wearing a name tag, with his, or her name in bright bold letters, affording each attending adult, the advantage of reading and knowing, that child’s name, crucial seconds, before addressing each child…………………..this one, extremely, pertinent factor, added to the equation, proved to be monumental………………….which added a mountain of evidence, as to the following, discovery, that, human behaviorist, have known and understood for decades……………………the most important word to each of us.

    Is our name……………….our name. Go anywhere and under any circumstance, under any scenario and use the individual’s name and something magical happens……………..it is called recognition, it is that person, feeling no longer, as if they are a number……………….being recognized, acknowledged with in one’s home, is a big deal………………developing, using names of endearment, is huge.

    Starting a conversation, with out an acknowledgment, with out any recognition, says what…………..what is the message we send, when we choose, conscientiously, choose to just start a conversation, with out addressing them, as one, we would gladly pour our very life force out for.

    Does anyone within the sound of my voice, not think, that, Jesus, did not know each of our names, as he saw, each of our faces, as He, willingly, walked into that sacred garden and suffered for us and because of us……I assure any and all, Jesus, knows each of our names.

    My agenda, my motivation, to help any and all, avoid suffering the colossal loss, of suffering, the devastating emotional trauma, of becoming, yet another causality, of the mounting statistics failure, that, plagues this great nation.

    Stand Tall…………………continually and be the beacon of hope……a serious sterling example of success, a home of radiant light, that, will benefit, all you encounter, especially the unborn children of your children.

    God bless you all, to create a home of peace, that, all children must have, to grow, to feel loved and to feel safe, empowering them, to reach their potential.

    go with God

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